The Journal of NEISHA

1:27PM - I only write about the bad things i know.....

I feel like i have this opposite Mitus touch going on. Like everything I touch turns to crap. Friendships, relationships, school just everything. It's always this is going wrong, that is going wrong. There's always a common denomonator though... me. I feel like so many people and things would be better off if they didnt have to deal with me.

Just so I don't seem clinically depressed here are some good things in my life:
~Halloween Weekend starts in 5 days
~I think i am starting to be able to tolerate Beer
~I love my Mommy
~ Music
So 50% of the good things involve alcohol... Oh well that's college for you.

Thank you for letting me vent my frusatration

~Neisha

Current mood: restless

Current music: These Words

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

5:17AM - 2for1deal today

Things wrong with tonight:
1. Its 5 30 am and i need to be up for work at 8am
2. Way too much drama to bear
3. my computer has a virus
4 He either just doesnt like me or is gay.Honestly.
5 Frat boys are frieking dirty living mofos
6. I have a cold
7. I can't breathe
8. Im pretty sure im destined to be alone for the rest of my life
9. Ignorance is bliss
10. This all could've been avoided if he just would've asked me over to his apt. like he was going to in the first place.
11. This really is my life

Current mood: blank

(A penny for your thoughts)

12:41PM

So one girl who lived in the apartment before us left her diary here. I read it occasionally. (Im an evil person) And today i was reading it and i was just thinking wow this girl really has some f'd up issues. Then one thing she said, basically summed up the way i have been feeling lately. That really frieked me out. I guess im F'd up too. Aren't we all F'd up inside?
I don't know why i get like this. I had a really good night last night. Then I think about life and convince myself im depressed. Now i am in a funk. But i'm really ok.

I have a cold too. Where's your mommy when you need her.
One love and all that,
Neish

P.s. So far i've los 68 lbs on th South Beach diet. Woot to that.

Current mood: confused

Current music: The Fray ( really good Cd)

(3 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

1:14PM - Excerpt from my journal in 7th grade

so while cleaning today I found a single page from my journal in middle school.So i figured i'd post it so you guys can laught with/at me.

"10-21-1998

Today was a cool day. I saw Marcus for the first time in a while. First he was getting on my nerves. pokin' me with a paintbush. Then in the auditorium Me him and nastassia were talking and he said we "developed" over the summer. Right then I didnt totally know what he meant. We talked during break a lot. He was acting stupid. Anyways I told him my feelings for Casey (Michaels middle name) He was okay with it and he promised not to tell. After set crew we were sitting in the room alone. I was standing in front of him and he was pointed to my boobs and said "they got all big, last year they were all small" I hit him. But truthfully, I'm glaf someone notice. I would never go(out) with marcus. He's just areally cool guy bud. And he gave me his number again. :)

Goodnight"

WOw i was such adork. and he was a total creep.
Oh well we live and we learn

Summerfest starts in 24 hours bitches!

Current mood: nostalgic

Current music: T.I.

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

6:28PM - NEISHA = LAME

I don't know why i cant behave like a normal person when people I like are around.

I shouldnt have a crush on him anyways...

Current mood: Lame wasnt an option

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

2:32PM - I've been thinking too much, or not enough

How do you express annoyance, without hurting feelings? I wish i could just be a good person.

Current mood: sad

Current music: Lauryn hill

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

10:48PM - a lil' update action

It has been forever since my last update. Right now i am on Spring Break in Atlanta GA. at my sister's house. It's so nice to finally have time to actually chill and relax. I still have homework and reading that needs to get done but i guess i'll worry about that later.On Thurs we are heading south to Daytona Beach for some fun, sun, and drunkeness. My sister didnt tell me we were going until i got here, so that was a nice surprise. Well off to bed; i go, for tomorrow holds some serious shopping!!!!!

One love and all that,

Neish

Current mood: excited

Current music: snoring

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

3:17AM - "True friends stab you in the front."

Guess they were true friends...

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."

Im in a weird place right now.
I've talked to some people all night but still feel helpless and miserable with the situation.

I've decided i dont need anyone, because if i spend my life relying on people, im setting myself up for hardache. This dream i have of the perfect friendships and relationships are just that fucking dreams. People are flawed, therefor anything that they're involved in will ultimately be flawed. this includes myself.

The only time i write in here is when i feel utterly alone and if i dont let things out i'll explode. LJ is the one thing that hasnt failed me at some point. sure it has erased some lengthy entries, but everyone has a bad day.

I always expect people to leave messaages, but what are they supposed to say. "no neisha dont feel sorry for yourself etc. etc. etc." A pathetic cry for help/ attention/ empathy/ whatever its just that pathetic.

All these random feelings from a kiss that doesnt concern me? You know what if you want eachother have eachother. just dont expect me to be at the wedding (statement doesnt apply only to this situation)

Screw you if i've given you my time and my ear to here your goddam problems yet you dont have time for me when i have my own

Screw you if i've gone out of my way to make you feel comfortable but when it comes to me you figure i can fend for myself

Screw you if i have tried to be a good friend and you point blank arent

Screw you for brushing me and my feelings aside as if i mean nothing.


It takes a big person to just forgive. As fat as i am im not that big. screw you.

(4 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

2:20AM - Are you serious?

I can't believe they kissed.

Way to start of 2005.

Is she trying to say i know you cant get him, but i can?

that sure as hell id what it feels like.

I've never been hurt so much. But do i even have a right to be?

She says "how could we let a guy get in between a 14 year friendship" yet SHE is the one who kissed him knowing how i felt.

If they were in love, that would be one thing, but they had never met before.

In Conclusion:

Im a pussy

I dont know if i can trust my best friend anymore

I dont know if im being selfish/stupid

10 mins later.....

ok i just told boy everything, well almost, and got no response so i think ill go die now

Current mood: FUCK IM AN IDIOT

Current music: Fuck

(A penny for your thoughts)

1:13AM - Our madison COWS dress better than those kids at marquette...

We love smack talking during basketball games we lose.

hmmm what has happend since my last post ( last sober post)?

I have an apartment next year! 1002 Spring Street Apt. Q. I am living with Andrea, Kristin, Laura, and Beth, andreas current roommate. My excitement cannot even be expressed. I want to move in right away. It's a year lease so i won't be coming home that summer. Which is a really weird thought, but its far away so i wont think about it.

Thanksgiving break was a good time. My parents were out of town until that sunday. So i had a lot of time to myself. Which was nice.

I have become homesick though since i've come back. It's not as bad as last year when i would burst into tears randomly. I just miss my mommy i guess.

My drunken post was from pirate night. WE went to see rockappella. Awesome. Then we went to  Beth's chem frat dressed as pirates. As you probably noticed had a bit too much. Everclear in the WOP, enough said. I missed the work the next day because i felt like shit that had been ran over. Which was pretty irresponsible of me. But i picked up a shift to work tomorrow to make it up to myself.

Saw the movie Garden State finally. I loved it! I bought the soundtrack yesterday.

Thursday was andreas birthday which was really fun. I love celebrating birthdays.

Kristin and Andrea sent me and Laura flowers because  we comprimised to share a room next year when we really didnt want to. It was incredibly sweet. I was fooling around with my camera and i ended up taking some cute shots.

Check them out if you want:

( Pretty FLowers.... )

Current mood: tired

Current music: In the waiting line- Zero 7

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

2:29AM - djit

i am dfrunlkler then ibe eve pbeen ever. im slerepty o noe dso goonfuhgt

Current mood: drunk

(4 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

2:43PM - Study Break!!!!

After tomorrow my first round of midterms and papers are done. THANK GOODNESS!  I've been pretty close to breakdown lately. But im sure this weekend i'll get some rest.....

sure.

So excited!

Since i haven't gone out the past couple weekends, Halloween weekend will be a combination of all the fun i didn't get to have because of school and classes. Bring it on Madsion, Bring it on!!!

Boring Work Drama:

Today has been weird. And its only 3pm. I started work at 8.. I didnt get to be until like 2, and had to be up by 6 45. usually i just drag my feet and get to work around 8 05 (im supposed to start at 8) Today i got there at 740 so i got have breakfast. So i was in a good mood because i was proud of myself for not being late. But there's this cook who's just an asshole. First of all he's a disgusting and vile man. You know in movies where they have the gross cooks in back of the shady burger joints, well he's kinda like that. No he is exactly like that. I ask him a simple question of where they put the milk machine (they put it accross the room) because some kid asked me, and he goes RIGHT THERE. OPEN YOUR EYES. In the most asshole way possible. That so wasn't even necessary. Its not like i've been asking stupid questions all day or anything, he was the person nearest to me so i asked. UGH. If im not rude to you, EVER, why be rude to me?  i dont even understand. But i was happy later because he was being an ass to me and got snapped on by the supervisor. We have to call back to the kitchen when we need something, and they call back, meaning they heard you. So i need potatoes and the vile man is like 5ft away, i call potatoes, no response, i do it 5 more time no response, i know he heard me, because the people in the back of the kitchen were all like POTATOES, cuz it was annoying. Then the vile man goes I HEARD YOU. Fortunately the Student supervisor was right there and she snapped. "THEN CALL IT BACK, SO SHE ISNT STANDING THERE ALL DAY) Poo on you vile cook. POO on you

The girl i work with made me feel better though.

Then after work i was in the bike lane on my way to class. And someone yelled Neisha. It was Kevin from my floor last year. He was the only person on my floor, and my whole dorm that i actually connected with last year. He gave me a hug and we chatted in the bike lane for a while. Cars were honking but who cares! He's such a sweet person. Seeing him made my day.

I ordered a digital camera, and it should be shipped today. So hopefully i get it by Friday!!! YAY.

Well my English Lit class is calling my name

Neisha

Quotes of the week:

Friends: Neisha those seats are for the handicapped

Neisha: I know but there aren't any so i am next in line.

Friends: You are NOT

"I can't find my sting CD, oh here it is. It was in my crotch, exactly where sting should be."

Neisha: I know that guy

Andre: ohhhh! how?

 Neisha: My roommate slept with him.

Andre: oh.

"If you don't fart what happens?" " It implodes"

ok im done.

Current mood: jubilant

Current music: Save Tonight, Rockapella style

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

11:12PM - PASADINA? The sweet smell of roses...

I watched like the last 5 minutes of the Football game and i was screaming like a maniac. I know Pasadina is unlikely, but a girl can dream. Never been to a school where the teams actually win things. (High school team lost Senior HC game 58-0)

All my friends went home for the weekend. Madison is lonely when you don't have anyone. Actually i've kept busy until tonight. Rock the Vote was here on friday, so i checked that out, got some free stuff which is always nice. Then last night there was a staff dinner for my dorm. So i was invited because im the photographer. It was really cute. We all dressed up, and they made the basement of the dorm look like a fancy resturant, there was blues and moodlighting. Then there was homecooked lasagna and etc. It was really nice.

Later that night i had to take pictures for a band in the Coffee House. The band was Lockwood, for those who don't remember the band i was a "groupie" for, for like a night last year. So i figured it would be awkward being the last time i talked to sam, i stood them up one night and never called.
The thing that worries me about this job is we have no name tags so i don't know if people realize i'm taking pictures for the dorm not my own personal enjoyment. Oh Well.

So anyways before the gig i make eye contact with sam, and we do the whole hey how's it going spiel. There didnt seem to be any hostility. And after  the show i crossed paths with the drummer, and he gave me a smile (a cute one might i add). So i dont think they hate me. Their gorgeous man friend ( the reason i got myself in all this crap) wasn't there though. I mean this guy made me question if i believed in love at first sight. Doesnt work out like at the movies though... at least for me.
It's a pity cause i was all dressed up last night ( from the dinner) I thought i looked cute.
Earlier in the semester i declared that i would have a semester not worrying about boys. I've been doing decently thus far. A few minor crushes here and there. But it's me, could i ever really give up the boys.

On Thursday we had Thirsty Thursday. It was a good time. I needed that.

Last night i watched one hour photo with robin williams. Creepy but not scary like at all.

I say like way too much.

Tonight i am watching Fight Club. I have'nt seen it in a long time.Cuz cool people watch movies on saturday nights.

Like Goodnight,
Neisha

Current mood: weird

Current music: Workout Plan, Kanye West

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

9:47PM

( One Big Curse Word )

Current mood: frustrated

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

11:55PM - Let's here it for the Tilda (~)

Tildas are my favorite symbols ever. Plus its name is tilda. Dont you just love that? Tilda. Tilda Tilda Tilda. Ok enough with the tildas.

Well tilda.

Today i didnt do 1 damn thing. which is unfortunate since i have so much crap that needs to get done. And i am so behind in some classes. But once your in a rut it's so hard to get back out.

Nothing too exciting has been going on. We won this weekend against Penn State, So saturday night was pretty interesting. Everclear is some lethal stuff. Thats all i have to say on that.

I've found myself being somewhat short with people lately. I don't mean to be a bitch it just kind of happens. but i guess that could be most bitches explanations for whay they are how they are.

Tilda

I need to get some self control and do my homework or something. this is rediculus.
Well.... Im going to bed, im tired. So much for getting work done.

Tilda Temptress signing off,
Neish

Current mood: sleepy

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

12:11AM

I havent posted in such a long time, the update page looks different...

So thing have been going great this year.  I like my dorm, no bitch roommate from hell, for the most part classes are good, even work is fine.

I actually have two jobs now. I applied for the CRC photographer position and got 1 of two spots. Someone told me that it was really competative, so im shocked i got it, because i never get anything i really want. So now im a photograper for my dorm. YAY!

Im trying to think if i have any good stories?

Did i mention Seth set his face on fire a couple weeks back?

Well yeah he did. But it has healed nicely i must say.

We saw a mouse after Primetime tonight. it was a fast little bugger!

I really enjoy primetime, its like therapy for my soul. The worship part at least.

No one from home ever calls. But i never call either. It has to work both ways i guess. I should  attempt to call people when im not intoxicated.

I called everyone last weekend because i was really emotional after a party, and not 1 person answered their phone. Jazmin did call me back though. Im glad. I miss her.

Goodnight your princes of new england, you kings of maine. (From cider house rules)

Current mood: okay

Current music: Sweet sound of silence

(2 Cents | A penny for your thoughts)

12:37AM - Moonlight Confessions

My staying up late thing has started up again i suppose.

So what is new in the town that is Mad?

I excercised yesterday. YAY ME! 15 laps jogging everyother one. I start soccer on Sunday. Kind of frightened for that. I has been about 2 and a half years. 1st of all thats depressing, 2nd of all that's just bad, i've played it since i was four how could i just... stop?

School, sucks as usual. I'm just a lazy person. In my new dorm i've been joining things like crazy though. Kind of like i did in high school. Technically im meeting people, but no real new friedships. oh but i've got some real new crushed. I'm horrible. thats why im alone now. I need to stop thinking about boys so much. ( But you should see this guy's smile!)

Room wise things are ok. Me and my roommate dont fight like me and Elyse did, but we still dont talk that much either.

i have a funny story to write when she leaves the room.... (sometimes i think she's watching me...)

Well hopefully not now...

I work in Foodservice this year, which isnt as bad as i originally thought it would be. it's quite easy and for the most part everyone is nice.

General updates are semi-pointless. i think ill stop them after this one.

I had a rant to rant, but im tired and need a shower. Maybe i'll get to that later

Oh but i had the best dream last night. Everyone was all dressed up. And i had a hott date, and we were all going to a prom like dance or something. And just as we were about to leave the house i woke up. I was quite upset that i didnt get to go to the dance! I never had a really good dance experience before. i still have time though i guess.

Im outta here

Hella Crazy, Hella Sexy, Hella Nervous (Description of my friends in a nutshell)

Neish

Current mood: complacent

Current music: Gravy Train, Hella Nervous YOU KNOW IT! Its not the same tho

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

12:46AM - Well well....

When i party i have trouble seperating reality from my imagination

Did Seth really set his face on Fire?

Did we really talk to Kalkopf on the phone?

Did Adam tell us that he knocked himself unconcious from sneezing?

Im pretty sure the answer to all of these questions are yes.
And if so.... What a night!

It took me 10 minutes to write this damn thing.

Current mood: drunk

Current music: no clue

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

12:16AM - Im such a sucker for peer pressure

Everyone else has been updating so i guess i will. I have been avoiding LJ lately but im going to try to stop doing that.

Back at School for 2 weeks now. This year is going about 100 times better then last year. I live in a different dorm, where the atmosphere is generally friendlier. I've met some pretty cool people thus far.

My roommate is a really nice girl. We are'nt the best of friends, but we get along just fine. Which makes me happy.

On the Boy Front: Not much to tell. There is an absolutely beautiful guy living in Chad, but we're totally not compatable. And i doubt anything would have ever happend anyway.

I have moved my sites to a dif. guy. But who knows... Whatever happens happens. I've been by myself for the past 19 years another one wont kill me, or will it...?

My classes seem interesting this year: Criminal Justice in America, Contemporary moral issues, Sociology, and Intro to Modern American Lit. I have a hell of a lot of reading though.Bloody 'ell, it'll be a jolly good time.(one of my profs is British)

Went to six flags for the first time in 3 years. It was exciting, we rode everything except vertical velocity and deja voo.

I went biking today with andrea, it was a lot of fun. Except for me twisting my ankle, and being raped by genelles bike. "If this is what sex feels like, count me out"

After Six Flags and biking im not sure if ill be able to have children.

I ought to sleep or something close to it

Current mood: chipper

Current music: A Virgin mobile commercial

(1 Cent | A penny for your thoughts)

9:16PM

Is summer over yet?

I cant wait to go back to school. I don't know if its my eternal boredom this summer, or i just need to get far away from my parents.

Oh well. So today in my boredom i posted some pictures in one of those rating communities. And some people are just mean. I don't understand, why some people say the things they do. One time at school it was like 2 in the morning and i was walking home from the Chadpad and crossing the street and a car goes by and a guy yells out the window "get out of the street fatass" 1. yes im fat, good observation 2. I had the walk signal. See ther's a case where i wonder why would someone say something like that. Did he think he was this really cool drunk guy in front of his friends. Did he feel powerful because he thought his little statement would affect me. Lets make the fat girl cry... (Dont worry not a single tear was shed) Oh well there are people out there who's own issues make them feel they have to attack others. I know im a good person, and im know im not ugly either(in the case of the rating community), sure a bit on the tubby side (fine ok FAT) But i wont let other peoeples negativity get to me. SHIT.

Is summer over yet?
1. I need a job
2. I need a job
3. I need to get some action
4. I need a job

I am absolutely giddy. (Ok so i just read over this entry and i dont remember writing that sentence at all..... weird)

Summerfest stars in a day.
My dad is going to be gone for a week.

Good stuff.

One Love and all that,
Neisha

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: Whose line is it anyway~ Really funny at times

(A penny for your thoughts)